(Note: Newt’s birthday is May 15th. I find it more than coincidental that he eventually was diagnosed with autism, and was born on St. Dymphna’s Day.)

Feastday: May 15

Patron of those suffering for nervous and mental affictions (note: other sources say “Neurological Conditions”)

Dymphna was fourteen when her mother died. Damon is said to have been afflicted with a mental illness, brought on by his grief. He sent messengers throughout his town and other lands to find some woman of noble birth, resembling his wife, who would be willing to marry him. When none could be found, his evil advisers told him to marry his own daughter. Dymphna fled from her castle together with St. Gerebran, her confessor and two other friends. Damon found them in Belgium. He gave orders that the priest’s head be cut off. Then Damon tried to persuade his daughter to return to Ireland with him. When she refused, he drew his sword and struck off her head. She was then only fifteen years of age. Dymphna received the crown of martyrdom in defense of her purity about the year 620. She is the patron of those suffering from nervous and mental afflictions. Many miracles have taken place at her shrine, built on the spot where she was buried in Gheel, Belgium. ₁

Prayer: Almighty and loving Father, by the example of St. Dymphna, Virgin and martyr, and by her intercession protect all those afflicted by tension and emotional stress, to enjoy your protection in life, and eternal happiness in your presence now and forever. Through Christ, our Lord, I ask. Amen. ₂

Prayer: Hear us, O God, Our Saviour, as we honor St. Dymphna, patron of those afflicted with mental and emotional illness. Help us to be inspired by her example and comforted by her merciful help. Amen.

O God, we humbly beseech You
through Your servant, St. Dymphna,
who sealed with her blood
the love she bore You,
to grant relief to those
who suffer from mental afflictions
and nervous disorders, especially…

(Mention the person’s name here.)

St. Dymphna,
helper of the mentally afflicted,
pray for us.

Glory be to the Father… ₃

Novena to St. Dymphna
Say once a day for 9 days, especially beginning on 6 May and ending on 14 May, the eve of the Feast of St. Dymphna.

Day 1: For Faith
O God, Source of our salvation, in the midst of a pagan people, Thou didst enlighten St. Dymphna by the light of the true faith, which she professed under the guidance of her holy confessor, Gerebran, with such constance that she suffered martyrdom. Through the intercession of these two saints, we beg Thee to strengthen the faith which Thou hast given us, so that by wisely subjecting our souls to Thy Supreme Authority, and by faithfully conforming our lives according to our faith, we may honor Thee with our whole heart and soul until the hour of our death. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Day 2: For Hope
Almighty and infinitely good God, Thou hast promised eternal salvation to those who obey Thy commandments and make zealous use of Thy graces. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, who fled from the danger of sin by leaving the palace of her father, and who, eager to gain eternal salvation, fled to Belgium to live in poverty, we beg Thee to grant that we also, who are striving for eternal happiness, may overcome all obstacles in the way of virtue and may attain eternal salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Day 3: For Charity
God of love, Thou art the most perfect Being, and Creator of all that is good and beautiful. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, who in her youth loved Thee above all creatures and for Thy sake loved her neighbor as herself, as the image and likeness of Thee, as the price of the Blood of Jesus and as co-heir of heaven, be pleased to help us by Thy powerful grace, that we may faithfully fulfill the two great commandments of charity not only in word, but in action and in truth. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Day 4: For Piety
God, Our Creator and Supreme Master, St. Dymphna served Thee with great zeal even in her childhood, by hearing Thy word with delight, by assisting at Holy Mass with fervent reverence, and by receiving Holy Communion from the hand of St. Gerebran with tender devotion. Through her intercession we beg Thee to grant us the same virtue of piety so that, having honored Thee during this life as our Creator, we may possess Thee hereafter as our final reward. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Day 5: For Prudence
O God, ruler of the universe, Thou didst allow St. Dymphna to discover a helpful means of avoiding the evil intentions of her father. Through the merits of Thy holy servant, be pleased to grant that we may become, according to the words of Jesus, simple as doves and wise as serpents, so that through prudent advice and sound judgment we may recognize what we must do to achieve the great work of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Day 6: For Justice
O God, source of eternal justice, Thou didst inspire St. Dymphna to flee from her country and her father in order to render to Thee that which was Thine. Through her intercession we beg Thee to make us seek after justice so that we may perform our duties toward Thee as we ought. Though Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Day 7: For Fortitude
O God, rewarder of those who remain firm in their good resolutions, Thou gavest St. Dymphna such a love of virtue that she had the courage to suffer privation, persecution, and even martyrdom. Through her prayers we beg Thee to grant us fortitude that we may courageously and perseveringly overcome ourselves and finally conquer the enemy of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Day 8: For Temperance
O God, You made St. Dymphna resplendent in the virtue of temperance so that she mastered sensual inclinations and used temporal goods prudently. With temperance she combined the beautiful virtues of modesty, docility and humility. Let us not forget that humility is called the foundation of all virtue because it banishes from the soul pride, the obstacle to grace. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, we beg Thee to guide and direct us, so that being preserved from evil and nervous disorders, we may obey till death the commandments and counsels Thou hast given us. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times

Day 9: For Chastity
O God, lover of innocent souls, Thou gavest St. Dymphna the virtue of angelic purity which made her reserved in all her actions, modest in her dress, attentive in her conversation, upright in her character, so that she even shed her blood to preserve this precious virtue. Through the intercession of St. Dymphna, we beg thee to bestow upon us the virtue of chastity that we may enjoy peace of conscience in this life and pure eternal joys of heaven hereafter. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pray the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be five times ₄
—————————————-
For those that don’t know:

Our Father/The Lord’s Prayer: (Doxology in parenthesis)
Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
[For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.]
Amen.

Hail Mary/Ave Maria
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory Be/Gloria Patri
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son :
and to the Holy Ghost;
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be :
world without end. Amen.

Bibliography:
1 “St. Dymphna.” Catholic Online. Catholic Online, 2012. Web. 7 May 2012.
2 “St. Dymphna.” The General Organization of Franciscan Mission Associates. Franciscan Mission Asosciates, nd. Web. 7 May 2012.
3 “Saint Dymphna .” Tumbler: Veritas Lux Mea. Tumbler, nd. Web. 7 May 2012.
4 “Novena- Saint Dymphna: healer of mental illness, depression, and nervous breakdown.” Grace and Space. Society of Saint Paul, 2012. Web. 7 May 2012.

(see the end for why this cross is so special)

Wow…

I often am severely disappointed in humanity. I know I should always expect very little, but I’m just not built that way. I figure, I’m honest, so most folks probably are, too.

In September 2011, a Flickr user posted her Goodwill (maybe it was Value Village?) loot. In the hodge-podge $5 baggies, she scored, among a few other things, a Sterling Silver James Avery Craftsman Good Shepherd Celtic Cross.

I left a comment praising the find, because, honestly, if I found this in my local second hand store, I’d mess my pants, call my husband, and then trade my first born for it. Just kiddin about the first born, but I’d pay a pretty penny.

So, in November, this Flickr user messages me, asking if I was interested in buying it. The story I posted in my comment was compelling, she was interested in selling, and thought we’d give it a good home.

In mid-February, I sent her $100, a price that I felt was fair for a discontinued sterling silver piece of this size. I received a message that payment went through and it’d be priority mailed in a day.

Then, it never arrived. I sent a message almost a month later, no reply. I sent another message, over 2 months after payment, no reply. I tried to be kind in the email, and basically said, “If you’ve changed your mind, cool, I just want my money back.”

I was slightly embarrassed to tell Drew the chance I took didn’t pan out. We both knew that was a chance, and we’re willing to risk $100 on the opportunity, but we did feel it was a risk. Still, I felt like a chump.

I even tried to dispute the PayPal payment, but couldn’t for that type of transaction. I considered a small claims suit, just for my pride, but didn’t want to pay another $110 for something that would potentially flame up completely in my face (and, still, there might be a good reason for the delay).

So, I just wrote it off. Even if this person was busy with school, I’ve probably been had. Even if they’d been in a car wreck, their obituary would have hit their local paper by now (believe me, I did search).

So, I wouldn’t be purchasing something I’ve been trying to find for years. I was okay with it, and finally gave up (honestly, that was just last week, though. I was highly considering sending a sympathy card saying something like, <i>”To xxxx’s family, my sympathy because clearly she’s F—ing died or something!?”</i>)

Then look what arrived. And! Look what she included, a handknit, 100% cashmere piece, too, that’s absolutely gorgeous. (it’s under the new cross and Drew’s cross in the picture)

Surprised by Joy; there is no other way to describe this feeling. Folks that know me, know the craptastic life I had before Drew, and while I’ve been safe from BS with Drew, there are still times, especially when dealing with Newt’s autism, that I get world-weary. In fact, I’d say I live in a perpetual state of world-weary, but I press on out of hope that we’re not the only people who want to genuinely be Christ to other people. And, I’m regularly disappointed by the world by their desire to be completely selfish a–holes.

But, today, this serendipitous postbox trip leaves me, not only with a years-long desire being fulfilled, but with a sense of joy because it’s still safe to, sometimes, trust humanity.

Thank you, kind Flickr user, for giving me that experience. I pray your midterms and final weren’t brutal, and sympathise with your timeliness; my outgoing Christmas gifts (and some promised homeschool curricula) have been stacked in my foyer since January.

————————————————

Now, James Avery Craftsman needs to be CRAFTSMEN again and make custom work, or have a limited run of this item. You sell “the cameo card version” knowing it’s well-loved. I would preorder 8 in sterling silver, just to see this happen.

(So, for my high school graduation, Drew gave me his cross. It was given to him at Confirmation, was his most prized possession, and in his note, he went on about how he’s never loved anyone like he love me, wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and the best way he could show his feelings was to give me this most-prized possession of his. It is, essentially, my engagement ring, especially since I don’t have one of those. It took him almost 2 more years to get his rear in gear, and us to actually stop shacking up, and get married, but it was plainly obvious then…we were going to be married, one day.

When Drew started studying to become an Anglican clergyman, I bought the larger version of this cross for him. It’s okay, but it’s just not everyday wearable.

When we had kids, we’d always hoped to purchase this cross for their baptismal gift, but, James Avery Craftsman had discontinued it. And, even worse, now, they don’t make time for custom jobs, either.

So, the fact that I’ve been able to acquire even one of these is a very big personal triumph. My insanity and tenacity have paid off, once again.)

…a boy.

While we loved being surprised with Os’ gender, we thought it would be easier on Prue if she knew in advance what her baby was going to be. As it is, she’s still perturbed, but having moved into her own room, and not having to share her things has convinced her that being the only girl isn’t so bad.

Here’s the handsome devil’s profile:

With this being our first planned hospital birth, there’s a lot we’re still figuring out. Such as, we don’t intend to name him until the 8th day, so we fully intend to leave the hospital with a baby with no name. Don’t know how well that will go over, but I know it is possible.

There’s a list of about 10 things that I need to get the answer to, in regards to a hospital birth. I don’t understand why low risk, healthy women, with valid midwifery options, would ever choose to birth in these damned places.

Oh! I did learn that our nurse-midwife allows food during labor. That will be a new hospital experience for us. When we were transferred for Prue & Newt’s births, it was ice chips only. So, that was some nice news. Hopefully, other policies will prove we’re not in the dark ages, anymore!

On Easter Sunday, our family departed on our longest trip away from home. Very few things would draw us out of our sanctuary for over ten full days (we just don’t “do” luxurious vacations). Os, who turned two years-old on Holy Saturday, was still unbaptised. We’ve *just* found a parish home during the beginning of Epiphanytide, and before then, we were parish-nomads. We love the work and spirituality of Father Seraphim Hicks OJN and his wife, Vicki, and in the last year felt led to visit St. Simeon Skete. After a few scheduling glitches, the date was firmed-Os would be baptised on April 15th, 2012, The 1st Sunday after Easter.

We were blessed that Newt’s Spring Break was the week of April 9th-13th; we’d have pay for two absences from this school week, but we felt that having Father Seraphim baptise Os, at the Skete, was worth the expense. And, it was.

Day 1-Coeur d’Alene, Idaho; 312 miles 5 hours, 15 minutes (drive time):
We left on the evening of Easter Sunday; it was later than we’d hoped, but Holy Week proved to be too busy to pack for a trip (who would’ve guessed that!?).

We intended to camp, but for all of the talk of unseasonably warm weather in March, it was cold everywhere we planned to camp. So, we decided to stay in hotels, which is always very complicated because our family has more than the typical American size of 2.3 kids (God forbid!). We were very blessed, no doubt through the Skete residents’ prayers, with only one hotel whose room capacity wasn’t able to accommodate us (and they just let Os slide since he’s so little). Otherwise, we were exposed to the wonders of a 3-bed room (usually 3 Queen beds, but there was one that was 2 Doubles and 1 Queen).

Day 2-Spearfish, South Dakota; 832 miles, 12 hours, 30 minutes (drive time):
The highlight of this day was we sat down to our first meal at Cracker Barrel, which doesn’t exist in Washington. Otherwise, it was a full day of driving; with kids, a diabetic, and a pregnant woman, it usually entails about 2-3 total hours of restroom stops.

Day 3-Albert Lea, Minnesota; 560 miles, 8 hours, 45 minutes (drive time):

A sight-seeing highlight of this trip was that we were going to see Mount Rushmore. We were only able to stay long enough for the three oldest to do the Junior Ranger program, and all successfully earned their badge (Newt needed lots of help).

Day 4-Taylorsville, KY; 715 miles, 12 hours (drive time):
Our last day before settling in at the Skete. We felt so awful arriving at what is essentially a monastery (see here for more information) at 1030 at night, knowing the prayer schedule they keep. But, we had a wonderful welcome, and it was good to be out of the car, and at place to focus on our faith.

Day 5-Day One at the Skete:
The Skete’s service schedule begins, publicly, at 430am (the online schedule is wrong; Drew learned that the second day). We stayed in for Lauds and Holy Communion that morning because Os was still on Pacific time, going to sleep around 130-200 Eastern Time. We woke up, and walked the grounds of the Skete. Vicki gave Prue a birdwatching log book, and there couldn’t have been a better thing for her. Vicki then hid some plush bird toys in the bushes and all four kids went birding. (See photos on Vicki’s Facebook, I believe they’re public)

Then, we finally got to meet Vicki’s daughter, Aleica, and her three children, in person. We became Facebook friends two and a half years ago, when we were both pregnant with our most recent children born. All of the kids had so much fun together, and it was so cute when Pen Pal information was exchanged later to keep the fun going!

Then, it was time for Vespers and Prayer Rope, then two and half hours later, Compline. Being on Pacific time, we always seemed to eat after Compline, which is kind of backwards considering it was the last office before bedtime.

Day 6-Day Two at the Skete:
Drew attended Lauds & Holy Communion while I watched the babies sleep (well, in Os’ case soothe him that his dad really would come back). That evening after the Stations of the Cross (see Vicki’s weblog post, “Jesus your Life is living in me”), we picked up the kids’ godfather, Jason, from the Louisville Greyhound station. We made it back in time for Jason to join in at Compline. Drew’s mom, Kathleen, and one of his aunts, Ann, arrived in town that evening, and we were able to share a meal with them before heading to bed.

Day 7-Day Three at the Skete:
Drew and Jason woke up and went to Lauds and Holy Communion, then after a bit of socializing, went fishing. They both caught fish in Taylorsville Lake. Then, in the middle of the day, the kids and I went to pick up their godmother, Alicia, from the Louisville airport. We found the Holy Smokes Barbecue Hummer that is some sort of iconic food truck in the outer Louisville area. For $5, the carton had about a pound of sauced pork, some coleslaw, jalapeños, served on a tortilla (that day, apparently the menu changes). It was enjoyable, especially for the price.

My mom, Tina, is a Louisville local now, and she drove over just in time share lunch with us. Then, just before Vespers and Prayer Rope, Drew’s sister and brother-in-law, Claire & Mike, arrived. We had a mess of people in Vespers, and later in Compline that day!

Day 8-Day Four at the Skete:
On Sundays, Lauds and Vespers are said privately. Sunday Holy Communion services are held at 11am, and baptisms are at the very beginning.

This was THE MOST PERFECT SERVICE WE’VE EVER EXPERIENCED! There are many ways for Mass to be a valid sacrifice, but for The Miller Menagerie, this was perfect. That is because:

The baptism service of Os was so personal and heartfelt. While it followed the order in the 1928 Book of Common Prayer, there were wonderful touches, including Fr. Seraphim singing a song from his childhood, having the godparents return the light to the Paschal candle, and everyone sampling some Milk & Honey.

The Gloria was in its restored position in the service, AND its setting was from Willan’s Second Holy Communion. Everytime I sing this setting (which is my favorite, see “When I die, play these hymns at my funeral…” for my all-time favorites), I’m a kid, serving as an acolyte for Father John C. Fowler. I was still somewhat sad/reflective of his life & death, since Mothering Sunday 2012, March 18th this last year, always reminds me of him, and the next day was the first anniversary of his going on to greater glory. I was moved to tears, which is a feat as I have a heart of stone.

The Last Gospel concluded the service. Drew always is heartbroken when priests don’t include The Last Gospel, and when the newest translation of the Roman Catholic mass finally came out, the first comment Drew made was, “Man, they could have at least included The Last Gospel”. Seriously, want Deedee to give a thumbs-up? Use Willan’s Gloria (restored position in the mass) and a 9 fold Kyrie. Want Drew to give a thumbs-up? Conclude with the Last Gospel and have your thurible censing everything (having 9 Sanctus Bells at the elevation is a plus, too). This was *the* perfect service. I don’t want to jinx it, but really…perfect.

For those that missed the service, here is The Baptism of Osmund Percy:

The sweet, sweet parishioners provided a reception, complete with cake, after the baptism, over in Anna House. What an example of koinonia; we were blown away by their charity! Here is a photo of the cute cake they provided (Os, Rudy & Newt had 3 pieces, each):

We were blessed with even more family, as Kathleen’s sister and husband, Aunt Edie and Uncle Frank, drove over to share in the event, in addition to all of the family that was there on Saturday. But, all good things must come to an end, and we had to say good-bye to everyone, just in time to take Alicia to her plane, then Jason to his bus. We made it back to the Skete in time for Compline, and shared our last meal with Father Seraphim and Vicki, a tasty African dish made by Vicki.

Day 9-Grand Island, Nebraska; 835 miles, 14 hours (drive time):
Drew went to Lauds and Holy Communion while I packed the bags and watched the sleeping babies. Then, we said our goodbyes to Fr. Seraphim & Vicki, and left around 630am. We ate at a Cracker Barrel for breakfast, then hit the road. We stayed the night in Grand Island, Nebraska, which is the birth place of Henry Fonda, but likely doesn’t have much else to claim (it was also a jump-point for the Oregon Trail).

As St. Louis had become a jump-point in later years, for the Oregon Trail, we essentially drove all but the final bits of the Oregon Trail. It was fun seeing these river and town names that I’ve only visited in a video game before, and I’m quite pleased to report, no oxen died, no spare wheels were used, and no children died of dysentery. I regret that I couldn’t write a road-side epitaph for our drover, Andrew, who kindly started us out on the trail with the decent income of Software Engineer (it falls between Banker & Carpenter), and we did no berry picking. I demanded a Grueling Pace but Generous Rations, so everyone stayed healthy.

Day 10-Salt Lake City, Utah; 797 miles, 12 hours, 30 minutes (drive time):
We drove past many Oregon Trail fixtures, Kearny, Platte River, and Laramie Wyoming to name a few. Luckily, no need to ford the Platte, so all of our goods were safe & dry. We came within 10 miles of the Colorado border, just north of Fort Collins. The kids and I have never been there, so we were quite tempted to hop over and say we had, but we didn’t do the same in Kansas City, for Kansas, so figured it be a good excuse for another road trip, one day.

Day 11-Kirkland, Washington; 840 miles, 13 hours, 30 minutes (drive time):
I was disappointed that we couldn’t get closer to the Great Salt Lake; we basically got to see a little bay on the eastern short of it, between SLC and Ogden, and it was nearly all industrial. We ate our last bit of Chick Fil-A for breakfast, as we headed out of the city, and later, in Boise, Idaho, we at our last bit of Cracker Barrel. Then, we continued on the Oregon Trail, through Idaho, through Oregon, veering north just after Pendleton, Oregon, to travel through Washington’s Yakima Valley, then on to home.

We rolled into the driveway around 11pm, and it was straight to bed, as we had to be awake at 6am to have Prue, Rudy & Newt at their 8am therapy appointments. There’s no rest for the weary, as evidenced by a special appointment or event every part of the day, until Wednesday afternoon, after dance. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d hit half a bottle of wine by myself that night! It’ll be good to finally rest after such a long time away from home!

(Newt’s Stories of Autism photo shoot; photographer was Todd Stefan.)

Yesterday, April 2nd, 2012, was the Fifth Annual Autism Awareness Day. Families are encouraged to share with the world, their lives and autism, be it the joys, the sorrows, lessons learned, or inspiration.

April is noteworthy to our family as it was in April 2008 that we finally paused, stepped back to look at Newt, and realized, these handfuls of traits are more than singular issues. They’re comprehensive. They’re impacting his development. There could be more to it. In late April, four years ago, he was initially evaluated at the Children’s Therapy Center in Kent. As they said then, we do not issue diagnoses; we pinpoint deficits and offer therapy to target those deficits. But, all signs point to autism.

Three months later, our initial appointment at Children’s Hospital of Seattle finally occurred (one doesn’t know “waiting” until they schedule a highly specialized appointment at a place like Children’s Hospital). There, an ARNP quickly looked at Newt and deemed his diagnosis Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. At the time, we were led to believe this diagnosis would limit treatment, as parents told us, anecdotally, that Microsoft’s benefits covered Classic Autism completely, but PDD-NOS wouldn’t supply as much care. We’ve learned, two years later, that isn’t true, and at Microsoft, there is no difference between Classic Autism & PDD-NOS, as far as access to autism coverage is concerned.

After living two years with the PDD-NOS diagnosis, and seeing him slip further and further behind his special needs peers (not even comparing him to the neurotypical kids), we realized that we needed to go back to Children’s and have him reassessed. In the winter of 2009/2010, we returned to Children’s, reluctantly (An update on the ongoing quest of treating Newt’s autism). Our experience was the complete opposite of the first; Thank God for that, and Thank God we gave them a second chance. Dr. Gwen Glew is so academically qualified and has done extensive post-graduate research; Newt’s in really great hands. She was VERY surprised that an ADOS was not administered at his initial appointment in 2008. We were new to the autism game, and had no idea that was a standard first step. We left that appointment with a litany of things that should have been done two years before; ADOS, labwork investigating things such as Fragile X, Celiac, etc., and increasing his intervention hours, 20-25 hours from 9-10 hours per week, as the ideal for a child of his developmental abilities (at the time). These appointments in 2010 produced a new diagnosis, Classic Autism, which was not a shock to anyone who worked with Newt during his first two years of receiving services for autism.

So, this month will be the fourth year that Newt has officially lived with a developmental delay that was eventually found to be Autism. It’s true, he has been quirky since before he was born at 42 weeks and 6 days, and he was essentially kicked out at that point.

While Autism Speaks focuses a lot of effort on the First 100 Days, our family has found the 2nd Year to be the tougher experience. During the first year, everyone is so galvanized. Some families are in torpor, some are relieved. Most communities rally around, at least in words only, the newly diagnosed family. But, during the 2nd Year, interest wanes.

“Why hasn’t he been fixed yet? You’ve been taking him for a whole year. He can’t talk. He still wears diapers. This isn’t working. He’ll be “retarded” forever (really, how do people say this to someone’s face when their kid is special needs?) and you should just ease up on the intensity of your schedule.”

It hurt so badly. How could “Our Tribe” be like this? Say these things? Treat Newt, a special and loved Child of God, this way?

That made our third year such an angry one. Misanthropy (well, more than normal). Disappointment. Apathy. Rage. Sadness (at the world, not at Newt, we’ve never really “mourned” the loss of what could be, because we always looked at our kids as a big open book).

Which made the fourth year our first where we were on auto-pilot. We have the schedule down. We know the lingo. We know the drill. We’ve experienced the first reactions to Newt. Been there, done that, been disappointed by the response, and came out on the other side.

I suspect this next year will be much like this last, and that’s something to look forward to. That’s been my word of wisdom to new families, the last two years. It’s more than the First 100 Days of adjustment. You really don’t get all four wheels turning on this thing until sometime in the middle of Year 3 when you realize, “This is our life. It’ll be this way, probably forever. It’s sort of sad, but only if you let it get to you. Go forth and accentuate the positive. You’ve got a wonderful kid waiting to be unlocked.”

Today’s big news in the world of autism: 

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that about 1 in 88 children has been identified with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring Network -2012

From Autism Speaks: “By comparison, this is more children than are affected by diabetes, AIDS, cancer, cerebral palsy, cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy or Down syndrome – combined.*Comparison based on the prevalence statistics of the Child & Adolescent Health Measurement Initiative*”

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In honor of this momentous occasion, I thought it would be best to share with parents of “normal” kids what I’ve been told causes Autism Spectrum Disorders, some side effects of ASDs, and the most appropriate treatments. Of course, I’m not an expert, I’m just a mom; all of these facts were told to me by “field experts” I met out in our community, while living daily life, such as at the grocery store, on the bus, at church, etc.

The Various Causes of Autism: 

*Huffed car exhaust while walking on sidewalks, while pregnant

*Rode in a bumpy car, while pregnant 

*Watched too much television or used a cellular phone too much, while pregnant

*Ate MSG, while pregnant

*Left a computer continuously running in the bedroom, while pregnant

*Did work that required standing on your feet for long periods of time, while pregnant

*Baby was distressed during birth because its mother did not have an epidural during the duration of childbirth

*Pregnant mother drank out of homemade pottery (possible lead contamination of glaze)

*Aliens abducted the pregnant mother and injected their lexicon into the fetus, causing communications problems, here on Earth (okay, I made this one up, but it was equally funny)

*Infant did not receive enough diet variation because it did not start cereals at 2 months old (leading to gastrointestinal issues)

*Infant received dangerous germs from family pets in their environment, causing brain damage

*Infant did not receive enough stimuli in the home, due to a parent being stay-at-home, and would have received more developmental exercising at a daycare

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Side Effects of an ASD:
*Child w/ASD will be able to recite infinite strings of numbers, such as Pi, the Fibonacci sequence, and Avogadro’s Number (which is technically a constant, but bite me)

*If not mathematically inclined, child w/ASD will most-definitely be a savant with some other fascinating and riveting ability, be it memorization of the taxonomy of the natural world, phenomenal artistic ability, and gifted with precise & absolute logic, lending themselves to a career in engineering (typically said to be software, but structural and electrical are reported to be what “all” children with an ASD are called towards)

*Social exile & alienation because “everyone is smarter than them and the child w/ASD knows it, which is emotionally tough to accept” (What an astute and emotionally-atuned idiot!?)

*Never being able to find love and sustain a healthy emotional relationship because all people with an ASD are asexual so they can’t breed with “normal” people in a satisfactory fashion

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Appropriate Treatments:

*Get the belt and whoop ‘em; it’s what they need to snap out of these tantrums

*Lock them in a bathroom without dinner; that’ll learn ‘em

*Ignore or laugh at their tantrums; even though most children w/ASD don’t know how to be embarrassed, this will embarrass them

*Put them in a group home where “experts” can properly deal with them and the rest of the family can proceed on without interruption 

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So, there you have it. Avoid all of the first category, then you won’t have the second category to deal with, and the third category will be obsolete. Presto! You’ve saved your family thousands upon thousands of dollars in autism therapeutic care, gas getting to all of said autism therapeutic care, and all of the various costs associated with random visits to specialists and urgent cares (when injuries inevitably occur due to low sensory response) and just being dog-arse tired after a day of incessant screaming, where all you have the strength to do is open your laptop and order yet another delivery pizza (but, an expensive gluten-free one, because we all know gluten is THE precise cause of autism).

*cue sarcasm at 400%*

I really hate that New Baby is a “high risk pregnancy”, for many reasons, but the chief reason is that it makes a homebirth not an option (or an option if I went with a care provider with more liberal standards on blood pressure readings, which I’m not interested in.) Homebirths are just the way to go; it’s one thing when you don’t know any better, but once you’ve educated yourself to the pitfalls and shortcomings of hospital-based obstetrics, it’s pretty hard to want to go to the hospital unless it is absolutely necessary.

Also, homebirths are much easier on large families and families with special need children. We are both of those types of family, and being at the hospital is even more inconvenient, in light of that.

The other day, I was speaking with a friend, and she was saying I’ve had the full range of pregnancy experiences and that’ll help any potential midwifery career. And, that is true, but I’m still lacking experience in a few sectors of complication. Here’s what New Baby needs to have happen to mold me into the ultimate midwifery machine:

* twins
* breech presentation
* placenta abruption
* placenta previa
* C-section
* gestational diabetes
* pre-eclampsia
* VBAC

What else? I know I have to be missing something. I have so far:

Prue: prodromal labor, OP presentation, nuchal hand, vacuum extraction, 2nd degree tear, newborn low O2 saturation, newborn jaundice (she had a head wound from the vacuum extractor), fractured coccyx, and postpartum depression
Newt: Group B strep, postmaturity, born in the caul (which is just cool and not complicating), jaundice, macrosomia (really, he wasn’t that big for his age), Stage IV of that problem supposedly 90% of people have but won’t own up to, and postpartum depression
Rudy: Group B strep He saved his complications for toddlerhood! Seriously, though, he had a wonderful pregnancy and birth, and I wish they could all be like Rudy’s, unless that’s why he’s a complete butthole, now.
Os: Group B strep, Weird bout of contractions at 28ish? weeks, partially retained placenta

So, to achieve the experience of ultimate midwifery machine, this pregnancy has to look like this:

New Baby ends up being New Babies, and all of the various unexperienced bullet points above afflict one or both babies. One is born breech (so let’s throw out placenta previa, because that’s a near-automatic-cesarean), then the other a c-section.

And, for $hits & Grins, let’s say there’s another baby after this one, thus giving me a VBAC on my About Me page.

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No, I don’t think I could cut back on the bitterness-level one bit. If I was a real nutter, I’d go UC. Honestly, I don’t think much of that practice and will not be embracing that anytime soon.